Archive for ‘Life’

August 6, 2017

Deboxification video: Not going to happen

My new baseball cap has arrived. Perhaps I should have put an “unboxing” video on YouTube. I have seen there are all sorts of unboxing videos. I don’t know why. I can understand reviewing something, that makes sense: “Look, here’s this thing I bought, this is how it works”. Fine. Or: “Look, here’s this thing I bought. As soon as I turn it on, the flange capacitor overheats.” Informative. But I don’t want to see you taking something out of its packaging. I am a high powered, go-getter, I haven’t got the time or inclination to watch people taking things out of boxes. Come on. Surely the pleasure is for the unboxer themselves. I get no vicarious thrill watching someone else deboxifying.

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July 23, 2017

I attempt to be interesting

The guy who gives me my coffee likes to chat. He asks me what I’m doing today. Because I am usually going to Tesco, I tell him that. I can’t help thinking that this is not the most exciting of replies. I am considering inventing scenarios to make my day sound a little more interesting.

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July 8, 2017

The sum total of my knowledge: 12 things that I know

On that momentous day, March 10, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell stood nervously but excited, staring at his invention. Did he know what wonders his telephone would bring to the world? Did he foresee the advances that would appear in the years to come? What thoughts and dreams rushed through his mind at that moment? What hopes did he have for the new era of communication that was to be heralded by this momentous occasion? And then – the telephone rang. Nervously, he reached and picked up the receiver. And he heard those famous words: “Our records indicate that you were involved in a non-blame accident. Our team of experts are available to help you make a claim on a ‘no win, no fee’ basis”.

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July 2, 2017

A predictable poem

My predictive text is a bit clever. Maybe a bit too clever. It’s no longer happy with guessing the word I’m typing. It now wants to guess the next word that I will type, before I’ve started to type it. If I type “choc”, it guesses I want to type “chocolate”.  Fair enough. But once it has typed in “chocolate” for me, it’s already suggesting that “chip” is the next word. And once I accept that, it suggests that the next word is “cookie”. Maybe it’s been secretly monitoring my food intake and knows how much I like chocolate chip cookies.

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May 27, 2017

Seagull and the leaf

This is how I came to know that God is real.

I was not feeling good. Work was not great. Home life was not great. I was not great. I walked to work each day, it only took about ten minutes but that ten minutes seemed like the only slightly peaceful time. There wasn’t anything bad going on exactly. Work wasn’t a hassle, it was just boring, it was bland. Most things were bland and grey.

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June 29, 2016

The art and science of Rose Counting

Everything reminds me of Rose. There’s the usual things, the things you would expect to be reminders – her art, her makeup, her toothbrush. But there are so many other things that bring a memory of her to mind… I drive to work and at the tricky junction where a fast stream of traffic joins, I remember how I would worry about her coping with that junction when she came in the car to pick me up from work.

And then there’s rain. Rose loved to listen to the rain on the glass roof. As a Brit, I find that rain is something to be tolerated and a useful topic of discussion in awkward moments with strangers. For Rose, it was a reminder of the sound of the rain on the roof in her childhood home.

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May 24, 2015

Busy doing nothing: The Revenge Of The To Do List

I still have my To Do list. Just in case you were thinking “Look how the year is moving on! Mr Allen will no doubt have removed all of the items from his To Do list by now. What an inspiration that chap is! And so good-looking too!” Alas, my To Do list is still with me. But, on the positive side, my rugged good looks do seem to improve with each passing day.

I’d now like you to all get in groups of three and discuss how I can be motivated to do all the things I don’t want to do. And also, how I can be motivated to do all the things I do want to do. What’s that? You can’t be bothered. Okay, let’s have a chocolate chip cookie and a drink instead.

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May 3, 2015

The may-hem and the bed-lam caused by the hyphen

I have, you will no doubt recall, had need to question the pronunciation of the letter “W”. Not with regards to accuracy but with regards to length. You may recall my crazed, unreasonable and frenzied rant… er, I mean, my well argued and reasonable request that we get rid of the letter “W”. Or at least pronounce the letter “W” in a different way so that it doesn’t take up so much time – a perfectly reasonable idea, I am sure you will agree. And not the ravings of a madman. Really.

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March 15, 2015

Hang on, I’ve lost the plot: The Stargate SG-1 Syndrome

In my televisual and filmic viewing, I have high standards. I don’t believe in watching any old thing just because it’s on the telly. I am a discerning and intelligent viewer. As such, there are certain criteria which I use to scientifically determine whether I should give up my precious time and view any visual work of art. After many years, I have managed to hone down my requirements, to crystallise the very essence of what makes a TV programme or a film worth watching. There are, for me, basically two requirements for any creative representation to have credibility and inherent value. Media without these two elements will not hold my attention for very long. Those two essentials are: aliens and explosions.

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March 8, 2015

I’d like to take a holiday away from my brain

Brains are wonderful things. Even though some people survive quite happily without them. They are so useful. Not just for the difficult things like doing exams and getting software to work and figuring out the plot to Memento and putting together flat pack furniture. Brains are there to help you enjoy chocolate and to appreciate art and to remember not to repeat yourself and to enjoy chocolate.

I have a brain and I’m not afraid to use it. Sometimes twice a day. There may be a Doctor of Brains reading this so let me make it plain that I think a brain is a rather good thing. Being a Doctor of Brains, she will be quite positive about the usefulness of a brain and (quite rightly) distraught that someone might think there might, just might, be a down side to the whole having-a-brain thing. Let me be clear. Brain good. No brain not so good. I just wish… I just wish I could turn it down a bit.

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