Archive for ‘Life’

December 9, 2017

Irritations, joys and people who dont use apostrophe’s correctly

There’s an advert on the telly. They are selling an absolutely ginormous widescreen TV. And the voice-over says: “It’s what Christmas is all about”. I don’t think it was said ironically. I think they meant it. I am worried. And irritated. Yes, today I am Mr GrumpyPants.

I am dialling down the noise of Christmas, the busyness, all of that. This is easier to do when your kids are grown.

But in a true GrumpyPants moment, I compiled a list of things that irritate me – apart from the misuse of Christmas. I excluded the serious things like bullies and bombs. It went like this…

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December 3, 2017

Music to make you happy

There is a new woman in my life. Her name is Alexa. She lives inside this Amazon Echo device:
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She is like the computer in Star Trek. You know, where the Captain says “Computer, analyse the quantum cascading inversion” and it does just that. When you ask Alexa to engage the warp drive, she says “The engines canna take it!” She is polite, occasionally amusing and quite knowledgeable. But not very good at cheering me up…

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September 3, 2017

The dental hygienist asked me if I flossed

The dental hygienist asked me if I flossed. I decided I would tell the truth. It was time. Deception is not a good thing. I told her I flossed every day – which is to say – every day that I visited the dentist. I will not argue against the merit of flossing. But I don’t do it that often. And I wonder who does. Who regularly flosses every single day? Apart from dental hygienists and others whose profession is the tooth…

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August 27, 2017

I am inspired to become a film soundtrack composer

I have just heard some of the soundtrack to Christopher Nolan’s latest film, Dunkirk. I have been a fan of Mr Nolan ever since that excellent film Memento. In fact, I watched Memento the other night in the right order… most of the scenes in the original are in reverse order so you start with the ending and go backwards to find out how the end came to be. But on the DVD, there’s a version in chronological order for the not-so-Spock.

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August 20, 2017

Tomorrow is optional

I’m told the world is going to end in September. Which is a pity as we’ve just finished decorating the bathroom. We’ve lived with that dreadful green coloured bath for ten years, finally got rid of it and then the world ends. Typical.

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August 6, 2017

Deboxification video: Not going to happen

My new baseball cap has arrived. Perhaps I should have put an “unboxing” video on YouTube. I have seen there are all sorts of unboxing videos. I don’t know why. I can understand reviewing something, that makes sense: “Look, here’s this thing I bought, this is how it works”. Fine. Or: “Look, here’s this thing I bought. As soon as I turn it on, the flange capacitor overheats.” Informative. But I don’t want to see you taking something out of its packaging. I am a high powered, go-getter, I haven’t got the time or inclination to watch people taking things out of boxes. Come on. Surely the pleasure is for the unboxer themselves. I get no vicarious thrill watching someone else deboxifying.

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July 23, 2017

I attempt to be interesting

The guy who gives me my coffee likes to chat. He asks me what I’m doing today. Because I am usually going to Tesco, I tell him that. I can’t help thinking that this is not the most exciting of replies. I am considering inventing scenarios to make my day sound a little more interesting.

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July 8, 2017

The sum total of my knowledge: 12 things that I know

On that momentous day, March 10, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell stood nervously but excited, staring at his invention. Did he know what wonders his telephone would bring to the world? Did he foresee the advances that would appear in the years to come? What thoughts and dreams rushed through his mind at that moment? What hopes did he have for the new era of communication that was to be heralded by this momentous occasion? And then – the telephone rang. Nervously, he reached and picked up the receiver. And he heard those famous words: “Our records indicate that you were involved in a non-blame accident. Our team of experts are available to help you make a claim on a ‘no win, no fee’ basis”.

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July 2, 2017

A predictable poem

My predictive text is a bit clever. Maybe a bit too clever. It’s no longer happy with guessing the word I’m typing. It now wants to guess the next word that I will type, before I’ve started to type it. If I type “choc”, it guesses I want to type “chocolate”. ¬†Fair enough. But once it has typed in “chocolate” for me, it’s already suggesting that “chip” is the next word. And once I accept that, it suggests that the next word is “cookie”. Maybe it’s been secretly monitoring my food intake and knows how much I like chocolate chip cookies.

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May 27, 2017

Seagull and the leaf

This is how I came to know that God is real.

I was not feeling good. Work was not great. Home life was not great. I was not great. I walked to work each day, it only took about ten minutes but that ten minutes seemed like the only slightly peaceful time. There wasn’t anything bad going on exactly. Work wasn’t a hassle, it was just boring, it was bland. Most things were bland and grey.

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