Archive for November, 2014

November 30, 2014

It’s a sign. And a Capital Offence

Yesterday, I had need to “spend a penny”. It happens to all of us sometime. The convenience I visited happened to be one that was also an Accessibility toilet. The one with the red cord. The frightening red cord. The emergency cord that I am convinced I’m accidentally going to pull. In some freak turn of events, I lose my balance and reach out instinctively, grabbing something to stop me from falling… and the thing I grab is the dreaded red emergency cord. Accidentally I will call out three fire engines, a couple of ambulances, two nurses and Barry with his first aid kit.

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November 23, 2014

Doing It Now! (Tap to snooze)

Somewhere in the house is a book with a very jazzy cover – bright yellow and black stripes as I recall. Big, bold red letters that declare: “Doing It Now!” It is quite possible that the title has more than one exclamation mark. Such fevered punctuation indicates an enthusiasm that can only be admired. I think this book may have been purchased while I was a member of a book club. Do people join book clubs now? Surely they just have the digitised version fed into their brain while they are asleep. The book club would, each month, send you a brochure with a selection of titles. One of these was the book of the month. And this would be sent to you automatically unless you returned a form with an X against this title, thus indicating that thanks but no thanks, you didn’t want this one. I am fairly sure that this strategy was designed so that people would forget to send back their form with the X and thus books would be sent out to people who didn’t really want them. Ah, the inventiveness of capitalism.

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November 15, 2014

41, XXL and why Diesel underwear makes me chuckle

41… That’s forty-one.

I was recently rather concerned about my waist size suddenly blossoming from a lithe and rather fetching 32 to a blubbery and, quite frankly, ridiculous 40 inches. I reduced my cookie intake. I started walking again at lunchtime. I even dusted off the exercise bike. (The main function of the exercise bike is as a clothes hanger. The handlebars are ideally suited for this purpose. So much so that I had forgotten said bicycle’s genuine function as a pedalling device.) Having dusted off said exercise bike, I even considered getting on it. One thing at a time though.

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November 8, 2014

Sticking to walls and putting on glasses

While considering creating my own superhero hideaway, I have come to consider the practicalities of being a superhero. I know that an appreciation of such a genre as the superhero does require a suspension of belief. Which is fine by me but there are some things that don’t quite make sense.

Now Spider-Man doesn’t have a secret HQ. Or at least, he didn’t when I was reading the comics all those years ago. Perhaps by now he has his own super secret headquarters under the streets of Manhattan. Or perhaps, in keeping with the spider theme, he hides under the sofa and skuttles out while you’re watching TV. Anyway. When he lived with his aunt in suburban New York, he would often swing in and out of the window in his Spider-Man garb. And no one noticed.

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November 1, 2014

Hideaway

My wife won’t be home all night. I have everything ready. I have bread and butter pudding. I have jigsaws. I may stay awake until 9pm.

Living on the edge can be scary but it’s the only way to truly experience life. I may have fish and chips for tea. I may not.

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